A Letter from Chris Suarez

A NOD TO THE PARENT

In 2002 Ed Diener, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, along with Martin Seligman, known for his work around positive psychology, conducted an extensive study on happiness. In short, they found that the strongest correlation between happy people was the amount of and level of social connection that they had. They found that good social relationships were present and necessary amongst the top ten percent of the happiest people.  We all want to be in the top ten percent, especially that top ten percent!

We have been sailing in uncharted waters for over nine months now.  We are almost a year into limited physical and social interaction. Given that Diener and Seligman study, what have the repercussions been?  Some of those affected the greatest have been parents that were pulled out of their social and professional environments - environments of creating success for themselves and those around them - and thrust into the role of teacher, disciplinarian, at times babysitter, and even healthcare giver.

We need to acknowledge that this has not been easy. Many industries have been built on the backs of working parents. Many small companies are owned and run by working parents. Many teams are made up of working parents.  And everybody works for different reasons. Some, to make a living and single-handedly support a family.  Others, to just contribute to a piece of the family’s financial picture. Others, for the sense of accomplishment and success.  Others, for the social community it builds around them. Still others, for a little piece of all of those things.  

Remember, most of these parents did not choose to home school. These parents did not choose to become teachers. In many cases, these parents never chose to build the skills necessary to do either of those things. And overnight they were asked to do so. Anyone who has ever needed to build a new skill knows how difficult and exhausting that can be. Add in a 9 year old kid filled with energy, add in a moody teenager, add in a special needs child, and many of us were handed a near impossible new job description.  

It is also not easy to actually admit that being home with our children and acting as the teacher is difficult or exhausting or stressful, for in admitting it, those around us can immediately judge or improperly infer that we are not enjoying the time we have with our children. It never feels good to fail at anything, let alone raising our own children.  There is guilt in thinking that our lack of patience while homeschooling or our desire to continue homeschooling is based on our not enjoying that time being around our own children. There is guilt in thinking that we are not cut out for teaching our own children. Some may actually feel they are failing for the first time, at the most important job they’ve ever been given.

But there’s a reason why teachers typically have 4 or 5 years of education. That isn’t just to learn subjects that they are going to teach. In fact most of that time isn’t learning subjects. It is learning to understand children, how to develop children, quite honestly how to deal with children. There is curriculum in psychology, organizational behavior, communication, patience & empathy, and then on top of that, content knowledge.

Although many of us have had children for years, the skills of being their formal teacher are not skills that we have developed. So three months, six months, nine months into being teachers, definite frustration can set in. You are not alone. Anytime you learn something new or do something new, frustration can set in. But keep in mind, this isn’t just frustration because we’re learning a new skill to be teachers. We are being called on to be a different kind of parent. This isn’t just about developing a little more patience with our kids.  

We have to realize that added into all of that, is that fact that something was taken away.  For many parents right now, it feels like success at work has been put on the back burner.  The drive we had to succeed has been called on to become a drive to teach and to parent.  And for some that need for success and achievement is missing in their life right now.  Along with that drive, for many the social connection within the workplace or through their career is missing right now as well.  

Please acknowledge that. Empirical research shows that happiness isn’t built on income, on the geography of where we live, or even on our health. Remember, the strongest correlation to happiness is social connection.

For those parents staying home full-time with her children, many have lost the social interaction and connection that they had within their work communities.  It is more important than ever to find ways to stay connected with your teams, your communities, your companies, and your collaborators.  

This week the world lost a business visionary,  a culture creator, an incredible strategist, and a respected mentor to many.  Not a celebrity, but someone whose external mission was delivering happiness to other people.  Someone who built a billion dollar iconic company with the purpose of making the customer happy.   He transformed not only e-commerce, but in the process, corporate culture across the globe.  His purpose wasn’t profit.  His purpose wasn’t success.  His purpose wasn’t size.  He self-proclaimed didn’t even care about the things he sold.  He only cared about making his customer happy.  The man delivered happiness to millions and yet as news slowly filters in about the remaining months of his life, perhaps what he delivered to so many, he was searching for himself, and yet never found.  It’s sad to think that the man who was able to touch so many, perhaps was unable  to allow others to touch him. Tony Hsieh, former CEO of Zappos tragically passed away last week at only 46 years of age. 

But as I sat awake at 2:30 this morning, thinking about these two things that have been on my mind for the last seven days – the passing of Tony Hsieh and perhaps the biggest challenge this generation’s parents have ever faced - I realized this common theme of necessary social interaction.  Real social interaction.  Real experiential interaction.  Without it, we will become overwhelmed.  Without it, we will feel alone.   Without it, we will feel unfulfilled.  Without it, we will search unsuccessfully for happiness.  We were designed as social creatures needing real meaningful relationships.

I have talked to many parents deeply in the last couple of months. If you are one, you are not alone. It has been hard. You are being forced to learn new skills. And other skills that you have been so good at, are seemingly unnecessary right now, even taken away.  

Know that you are doing good work, important work, necessary work, meaningful work, deep work.  I know.  I am a parent too. 

I’ve seen the home school parenting memes on social media.  

The hair on fire and adult beverage in hand meme. 

The coffee cup filled with wine meme.  

The list goes on.

Yes, some might be funny.  Every homeschooling parent has probably posted one.  But the underlying theme is we have a large group of parents feeling alone and frustrated and overwhelmed and even unsuccessful for much of their day. 

Over time, this can have an effect on our mental health, physical health, emotional health. Parents, take care of those three. Don’t know how? Ask for help. And for those of you non-parents that are scratching your head at a seemingly off-topic letter this week, please reach out to a parent that you know. Commend them for what they are doing, encourage them for what they are doing, acknowledge them for what they are doing, and ask them if you can help.  Perhaps the only help they need is to have a short adult conversation - in lieu of that adult beverage. 

This week I ask you to share this with any parent that you know. I believe as many parents as possible need this nod.  A nod is a simple greeting of understanding.  Every parent just needs a little nod right now.

Chris