A LETTER FROM CHRIS SUAREZ
IT’S NOT ME. IT’S YOU.
It’s so easy to find yourself disappointed in other people.
Your kids disappoint you. Your spouse disappoints you. Your partners disappoint you. Your employees disappoint you. Your friends disappoint you. Your family disappoints you. Your leaders disappoint you. Human beings disappoint you.
I disappoint you.
But here’s the truth. It’s not me, it’s you.
Disappointment is defined as “displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.” The question arises as to what hopes and what expectations are not being fulfilled. They are YOUR hopes. They are YOUR expectations. The disappointment shows up when those expectations are not met. And too often, they are not met because the only person that knew what they were was you. They were your expectations of others. Unfortunately the “others” didn’t know what they were. The “others” didn’t sign up for them.
All disappointment is based on missed expectations. And those missed expectations are our own fault. The lack of real communication, discussion, acceptance, and agreement to those expectations lead us down a path of confirmed disappointment.
The real challenge is that disappointment doesn’t end there.
Disappointment leads to discouragement, which slips into disillusionment, and can slide into depression.
Let’s look at business for a moment, although it could apply to any relationship. When we are disappointed in someone for a period of time, it easily leads to discouragement. We are discouraged that the relationship isn’t turning out how we expected that it would. We begin to believe that they aren’t reaching their full potential. That the project you are working on together or the goal you set may not be met. So discouragement in the situation, and worse, in the relationship, sets in. The culprit? Your expectations are clear in your head, yet remain unbeknownst to them.
Enter disillusionment, stage left. After a period of time sitting with discouragement, we begin to become disillusioned with the relationship or the partnership or even our intuition of the other person. We begin to make up stories in our head as to why they are acting in certain ways, responding in certain ways, showing up in certain ways. Our disillusionment causes us to question whether or not we entered into a bad relationship in the first place. It causes us to begin to question whether or not what we are doing even matters, since it would appear it doesn’t matter much to them. Disillusionment is dangerous as it puts the mission at risk.
Our extended disillusionment can easily cause us to slide into depression. Missed expectations cause us to feel as if we are failing. That we are working on something that doesn’t mean something or matter to those around us. We begin to question why what seems so important to us, is relatively unimportant to anyone else. We question our own ability to execute and gain commitment. And we begin to detach. Detachment from a mission or a purpose - from meaningful work or a relationship - can have us sitting squarely in the seat of depression.
Be careful. Simple disappointment leads to discouragement, which slips into disillusionment, and can slide into depression.
It all begins with missed expectations.
Expectations are defined as “a belief that someone will or should achieve something.” Expectations are about what we believe will happen. The question is whether or not we have the right to have that belief. Is it a shared belief? Or is it just your belief? This is about what we have agreed to. Expectations in a relationship are two-way, as they are an agreement between two people. It is a double-sided commitment. All too often we superimpose self expectations onto someone else. It’s an unfair expectation. One that is impossible for the other person to meet. And so, it isn’t them. It is you.
They are your expectations. Left unshared. Left unapproved. Left unmet.
It may be time to look for any area in your world where disappointment has set in. Behind that feeling is perhaps the simplest of conversations left unheld. Do yourself and those in your world a favor this week and this month. Be willing to sit down and have open conversations around what expectations you have. What expectations they have. And what expectations you can agree to.
Chris