A Letter from Chris Suarez
DON’T BE A STATISTIC
As I celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary this week, I decided to call some friends, mentors, and more experienced (aka older) ones during the course of the week that I have looked up to for some time. They have been married for 20 years, 35 years, 50 years, and one couple 60 years.
I asked them what they felt contributed the most towards their lasting marriage. Here were the top 5 responses:
Hard work.
Hard work.
Hard work.
Hard work.
Hard work.
Theme? OK, perhaps that wasn’t the same response for everyone, but it was a thread woven through every long term relationship. That expression, “hard work” came up in every conversation. Added into the discussion were words like: Forgiveness, Patience, Consistency, Effort. Let’s be honest. Every one of those words is hard work as well.
It made me stop and reflect on the fact that anything worth anything requires hard work. A successful business. An amazing relationship. Learning a new skill. A healthy body. Even training a puppy.
Perhaps the hardest thing we will ever do is build a successfully happy relationship, marriage, or family.
Why do I say it’s the hardest thing?
In the US alone, 39% of all marriages end in divorce. World-wide that number jumps to 41% of all first marriages and 60% of all second marriages ending in divorce.
Let’s compare that to business. We often talk about the high closure and failure rate of launching a business. Anyone reading this knows it is not easy to be an entrepreneur. It’s hard work. Every day. For years. And for that reason 20% of businesses will fail within their first year of operation and an additional 7.5% of business will fail in each of the next four consecutive years. Does it surprise you to know that more people are able to launch a successful business than launch a successful relationship?
Interestingly enough, they both rank right up there as two of most difficult things to be successful at. And many of us decide to take on both challenges, at the same time!
Some of us seem so willing to work so hard for our businesses, spend countless hours learning a new skill, show up every morning for pain working out at the gym or training for a marathon, or even put tremendous effort into taking care of and training that pet.
When we stop to think about it, any of those things that we are willing to work so hard at can be fairly selfish. Business leads to money, skills lead to self improvement, the gym leads to a better body and personal health, even a pet brings a level of personal emotional support.
Two things stand out to me though when I think of a marriage or relationship.
First, most of the hard work is really for the other person. It is truly selfless. And if we are in the relationship for ourselves, well, we are headed towards becoming a statistic. Relationships are an act of generosity and altruism.
Second, a marriage or relationship takes not one person committed to putting in some of the hardest work they’ll ever do, but rather, it takes both people putting in some of the hardest work they’ll ever do.
So ask yourself, if it’s hard enough to find one person willing to do the hard work of something worth something, what’s the likelihood of two people being willing to do that hard work together, at the same time, on the same project. Therein lies the secret of a great marriage. And therein lies the secret of any great partnership. It makes me think that perhaps planning dates that include obstacles courses, long distance challenges, brain puzzles, and physical labor could be a good strategy!
But in all seriousness, look around. The most successful businesses are usually incredibly hard working partnerships. Bill Gates and Paul Allen of Microsoft. Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak of Apple. Reed Hastings and Marc Randolph of Netflix. Larry Page and Sergey Brin of Google. Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger of Berkshire Hathaway.
Finding that partner willing to do the work is hard work in and of itself. Remember, anything worth anything isn't easy. It's hard work. It takes consistency. And consistency is hard. As I look back on the last 16 years it seems like it both flew by and also could have been twice that number of years. Some days felt effortless. Other days felt like all work. But I choose to do the work. Because I love hard work. Or perhaps more appropriately, I love the results of hard work.
Chris