A Letter From Chris Suarez
Expectations.
The past year has brought with it some creative ways to get out of town. Next week will mark exactly one full year since I have been on a plane. I know that air travel is safe and I have no problem with those that have returned back to their normal routine of traveling for fun or business.
Truth be told, this year my partners and I have had our heads down - building infrastructure, hiring key players, doubling down on value proposition, writing and researching for some upcoming projects. That has led to fewer trips and less travel.
Last week as my family headed up to the mountain for some skiing, the familiar “Are we there yet’s” began to filter in from the back seat. To be honest, it had been so long since I had heard them, I didn’t mind it one bit. But it got me thinking, why do the “are we there yet’s” show up on the way to the mountain, but never show up again on the way back home?
This led me to some fascinating research completed by social psychologist Niels van de Ven of the Tilburg University in the Netherlands. He provided some insight on what is clinically called the “Return Trip Effect”. It has been proven that it almost always seems longer getting to a destination than it does returning home from your trip. Why is that the case and what can learn?
There were many reasons hypothesized, tested, and proven.
One reason? Familiarity.
As we head to a new destination, we are on unfamiliar roads passing unfamiliar landmarks. We are headed somewhere we have not yet been. Being in an unfamiliar setting causes time to seem to slow down without the ability to gauge when we will get there. Yet as we head back home, often we take the same route in which we came…so we are familiar with the roads, the sights, and the landmarks. As we get closer and closer to home, the route becomes more and more familiar, causing the trip to feel faster. Tests show we often estimate the return trip to be some 15-16% faster that the trip there. Thus, the “are we there yet’s” don’t show up.
Another reason? Expectations.
Getting there often takes longer than we expected when we set out. That could be simply because we set the wrong expectation, that we are overly excited, that the time to get there is either physically longer than expected or simply perceived to be longer than expected. On the way back, we tend to recalibrate those expectations. We actually overestimate the time we think it will take to return, and find ourselves pleasantly surprised as we pass familiar landmarks sooner than we expected to see them. This can actually have the effect of making time seem to even speed up.
Expectations have incredible power.
So, where can our expectations lead to discouragement and giving up?
Our Time
Just as during that long drive, frustration can settle in if we don’t hit our expectations relative to time. Perhaps it’s the time we thought it would take to grow our business. Perhaps it’s the time we thought it would take to hit a goal, develop something, achieve something, see the results of something, or just finish something that we’ve started. The added layer of comparing how long it takes us versus how long it takes others is a dangerous expectation. In our current environment we are seeing real fatigue and discouragement simply based on the expectation we may have had as to when life “would return back to normal” and when this pandemic would be under control. When things take longer than expected its easy for discouragement to set in, leading to the sense of giving up.
Our Relationships
Often our expectations of others leads to disappointment. Perhaps a business partner surprises you in the way that they have acted or how they treated you. Perhaps we are disappointed by our spouse or even our children. Perhaps a close friend doesn’t show up the way you thought they would. Remember, in most cases, what we are not able to factor into our perception of that person’s actions or response is their personal situation. Much research has shown that the situation will often cause others to do or say things that the actual person would normally not do or say. So, our expectation of who they are and our expectation of the situation they are in can cause us to be disappointed or even give up on a relationship that we could or should otherwise salvage.
Our Accomplishments
I don’t know many people that have met all of their expectations when it comes to their personal, business, growth, or spiritual accomplishments. Put simply, we will all need to manage our expectations of our own accomplishments. Remember, we will never “arrive”. We chose a life of journey and future destination. So manage your expectations of past, current, and future accomplishments.
Ourselves
Perhaps the hardest expectations to manage and control are the ones we have of ourselves. These can be deeply routed - from our childhood, from both past positive or negative relationships, from our wins and our failures, as well as the self-image we have today and the one we are creating.
With that said, where can our expectations lead to encouragement and motivation?
Our Time
If time speeds up when we take the same route and slows down when we are on a new route, then experiencing new things is the fountain of youth. An experiential life allows us to slow down time. The actual time we live on this earth may be the same either way, whether we live an experiential life or one of routine. But it is scientifically proven that we will feel like we have lived longer lives if we incorporate new experiences into our days, our weeks, our months, and our years. You heard it here first, an experiential life is a longer life. Think about that car ride. Headed to a new destination, seeing new scenery and landmarks, tends to slow down time. It’s also why time appears to go faster when we get older, as we are coming across fewer new experiences. Break that trend. Keep your spirit of adventure and your mission of living experientially.
Our Relationships
If this past year has taught us anything, it’s that every human being needs true relationships. Even the quintessential introvert needs others. If you find yourself disappointed or frustrated in your relationships often - whether work or personal - it may be time for a reset of expectations. I like to reframe all human interaction with a maxim: “All human beings intend to do the right thing and want to help other human beings.” Too optimistic you say? That’s ok. My expectation is that everyone INTENDS to do the right thing and help others. It may not always happen, but believing in good intent allows space for forgiveness. It also allows space for me to always let new relationships begin with that positive intention.
Our Accomplishments
Surround yourself with people that expect you to win at times and expect you to lose at times. Surround yourself with people that acknowledge and reward both progress and setbacks. Yes, you should expect to win and yes, you should expect to lose. Yes, you should expect progress and yes, you should expect setbacks along the way. This simple shift in expectations will lead to an encouraged current reality and a motivation towards the future.
Ourselves
Remember, no-one sets true expectations for you, except you. Don’t bring past expectations into the current. Don’t bring future expectations into the current. The greatest source of encouragement and motivation is when we meet our own expectations of ourselves. Don’t underestimate the power of mindfulness, of meditation, and expectations of self.
You see, this concept of expectation has incredible power…
Over our most valuable resource - Time.
Over our most valuable purpose - Relationships.
Over our most valuable outcome - Accomplishments.
Over our most valuable asset - Ourselves.
