A LETTER FROM CHRIS SUAREZ
A HAPPIER ANNIVERSARY
Today is my 18th wedding anniversary. Every year around this time I think about what it takes to create a life-long relationship. Some don’t believe in them. Others are exhausted by the thought of them. Still others that were expecting to have life-long relationships, find it ending early or unexpectedly.
First, my belief is that no relationship is a wasted relationship. Just like no conversation is a wasted conversation. I believe any time spent with another human being is worth the time passed, spent, or invested. We all learn valuable lessons from each other. Too often we end up focusing on the incredible beginning and then the difficult end, and forget about the countless moments in the very middle that change us day by day. For that, every relationship is a gift.
Second, my belief is that relationships can be forever. That isn’t automatic. That isn’t even natural. We will all deal with “natures tax” - entropy. German physicist, Rudolph Clausius, is attributed with the discovery of this physical truth. Everything moves to disorder and breakdown. This is why we all experience some level of disorder in every aspect of our life, including our relationships. Left untouched, undefined, or unattended, entropy will bring disorder and will eventually break down our relationships. How do we fight entropy in our relationships?
We have to want them to last forever.
If we want a relationship to last forever it will. Yes, it will take both of us to want it, and there-in lies a bit of the challenge. But do we check in? Do we reconfirm that we want a forever relationship? Do we recommit regularly to what the future is bringing or may bring? Consistently communicate the desire itself. If we consistently assure each other that our preferred future has the other person clearly in it, then our future will be of our future selves together.
We have to be willing to do work forever.
The work and effort and sacrifice will never stop for a relationship that is worth it. Don’t get fooled by the storybook endings, the social media middles, or the filtered-photo fairytales. It will always be work. Don’t be discouraged by the work. We can mistakenly make ourselves believe that a relationship that is “worth it” shouldn’t be hard work. They will always be hard work.
We have to see ourselves in the future.
If we lose touch with the life we want to live with each other, we will only have the present to connect with. If the present happens to be amazing, then you are in good shape. But if the current present happens to be one of the bumps, one of the challenges, or one of life’s tragedies, then the story of the future becomes fuzzy. Any time we think retrospectively, or with a present day bias, it’s too easy for love to fade. We have to see our relationship into the future.
We have to go into the relationship without a way out.
We live in a world where everything is disposable. It’s as if an entire generation has lost interest in commitment. It’s always easier to tap out when Option B is right there. If we eliminate the easy out clause, it will push us to do the work that will be required. If you don’t have a way out, you will always find a way through.
We have to apologize, and allow others to apologize.
We are all going to mess up. We are all going to make mistakes. We are all going to stop doing the work, stop clearly seeing the future, stop acting as if we expect a forever. In those moments, just apologize. In those moments be willing to let the other person apologize as well. It won’t always be easy. Both parties will be hurt along the way. It’s unavoidable. It will take incredible humility on both side of that apology. And it will be the only thing that leads to forever.
The audience for this blog is primarily business owners. Today, this message is not for you, but rather for human beings. Sure, there are correlations. Sure, there are so many lessons that perhaps I’ll apply to my business on another day or another week this year. But for today, I will think about myself as a human being. I’ll think about my wife and my daughters and my family. I’ll think about what it took to get to here, and what it will take to get to there.
I understand some will read this blog while sitting with their spouse of 40 or 50 years. Others will read it after going through a break up or a divorce. The message will land differently. Some will feel the timing is good, others will feel the timing couldn’t be worse. Don’t let your current situation cause you to believe that it will either always be forever or that forever doesn’t exist. Relationships are always a choice.
Chris